Convocation

Dalebot 2.0 is not a sophisticated machine by any means. Rather, it is a trope of a robot, propelled on a weighty treaded base, possessing arms like a pair of cooking utensils, and a rectangular head with lightbulb eyes. Painted on its blocky body is a maroon threshing wheel. You wonder what Dalebot 1.0 looked like. Its eyes brightened and dimmed as it spoke.

“You’re going to be late for Convocation, student. Allow me to escort you to the auditorium. Our speaker today is a real zinger and their topic I’m sure you’ll find riveting or my name isn’t Dalebot 2.0.”

Dalebot zooms away while performing some type of “rivet” joke. Its path is marked by a pair of deep depressions in the carpet, accomplished only by inhumanly perfect repetitions across an eon. You are led out the same door you entered, traversing a short path to a nearby building. Along the way, you are again amazed by the upkeep of the area. The sidewalk hasn’t crumbled to dust, and overgrowth is kept to a minimum. The ancient property lines are upheld to a religious degree, as insurmountable foliage surrounds the outskirts.

You approach the dome-shaped building. Dalebot whirrs inside, its treads aligning to ancient twin grooves that have completely flattened the entrance’s metal floor plate. Inside is a second set of doors leading to an auditorium. You are currently in the lobby, a circular design that encompasses the actual auditorium behind another set of doors. Dalebot positions itself next to the inner doors and stands by expectantly.

“…did you forget the process, student? Just let me scan your student ID and head inside.” Obviously, you are not in possession of an ID. You turn out your pockets to indicate this to the routine-ridden machine. “It’s okay [studentIDnotfound], I know who you are. I’ll enter your name in afterwards. But you NEED to remember it for next time.” Dalebot opens the doors and motions you inside with its rigid, spatula-like limbs. You glance over the cascading rows of seats and choose a spot near the middle. Dalebot clunks its way towards the stage. The doors to the auditorium seal shut.

“Students, today’s speaker is someone really special. I’m sure you’ve all seen [genderPronoun] at [speakerLocale] doing [righteousService01] and they’re here today to speak on the topic of [speakerTopic]. Please give a warm round of applause to [null].” Dalebot proceeds to the corner of the stage and its lights dim. For the next 45 minutes, it sits there in a standby state before suddenly lighting up and rolling back to center stage. “Wow, I know I was truly touched by the issues addressed by [null]. Now, who here has some questions for our speaker?” Dalebot waits 10 seconds before emitting a throat-clearing sound file. You sense that the doors won’t unlock until a question is addressed to the non-existent speaker.

“Uh… what are some of the challenges you faced when you were first starting out?” you ask to nobody. Dalebot’s eye’s dim and a minute of silence ensues.

“Any other questions?”

You manage to cobble together a string of words into what some may consider a question a few more times. Eventually, you hear a mechanical whirring and the doors swing open.

Eager to leave, you clamber over vacant chairs and reach the foyer. You don’t make it far before Dalebot chimes in. “NotFound, allow me to take you on a campus tour. My database indicates you are a new student and may be unaware of our pristine grounds.” A fleck of excitement flavors the machine’s soundwaves. For the first time in thousands of years, Dalebot’s treads escape the familiar pattern as it executes the CampusTour function.